THINGS NOT TO TELL A POLICE OFFICER.... *I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. *Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. *Aren't you the guy from the Village People? *Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! *Are You Andy or Barney? *I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. *You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? *Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! *When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS *I have PMS and a gun.... did you have something to say? *I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. *Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. *You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. *Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. *How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! *Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. *If you want breakfast in bed, then sleep in the kitchen. *Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. *Next mood swing: 5 minutes *Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it! *How can I miss you if you won't go away? *You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you. *Grow your own dope...plant a man. *All men are idiots...I married their king. *Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. *I took an IQ test and the results were negative. *Where there's a will, I want to be in it. *Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? *Be nice to your kids...they're picking out your nursing home. *Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else. THE TOURISTS Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr...gerrrrrr, Kiiiing." COOL COME BACKS Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." ******* Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." ******* Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" ******* Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." ******* Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter." ******* Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." ******* Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." ******* Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." ******* Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" ******* Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." ******* Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" ******* Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." ******* Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." ******* Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store." EXTRA STUFF *wanna hear a dirty joke?....... a white horse fell in a puddle of mud! BLONDE JOKES Q:HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY? A:Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. ******* Q:HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING? A:She was run over by the zambonis machine. ******* Q:How do you get a blonde to marry you? A:Tell her she's pregnant. ******* Q:How does a blond spell farm? A:E-I-E-I-O ****** Q:How does a blond kill a fish? A:She drowns it. ******* Q:A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A:Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. ******** Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! ******* Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. ******** Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. ******** Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. ******** Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. ******* Q: Why does the blonde stare at the juice packet in the morning? A: It says "concentrate". ******* Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. ******* Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" ******* Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" ******* Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" ******* Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. ******* Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better ******* Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. ******* Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. ******* Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because you wash vegetables there! ******* Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. ******* A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" ******* A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. ******* Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. ******* Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. ******* Q: How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Thursday! ******* Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up . ******* Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? A: You can park in the handicapped zone. ******* Q: If a Blonde and a Brunette both jumped off a bulding at the same time, who would land first? A: The Brunette.....the blonde would have to stop and ask directions ******* Q: Why did the blonde die drinking milk? A: Because the cow fell on her. ******* Postcard from one Redneck to another Dear Cletus- I'm writin' this real slow cause i know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within ten miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change thier address. This place has a washing machine. the first day mama put four shirts in, and pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since. it only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time. I know it is cold where you are so we're sendin you a coat. mama said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets. We got a letter from the funeral home. They siad if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes! My sister had a baby this mornin. I ain't heard wheyher its a boy or a girl, so i don't know if i'm an uncle or an aunt. Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out 'cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. the other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. More next time, nuttin' much is happenin' around here. THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? well, do you know this?............... 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. 3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. 4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 6. There are more chickens than people in the world. 7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. 8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." 9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. 10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. 11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. 14. Almonds are a member of the peach family. 15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. 17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. 18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" 19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. 22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. 23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life." 25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. 26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. 28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. 30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. 31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. 33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. 35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. ...NOW you know everything   Stuff to know

If you put metal in the microwave, you will have an early 4th of July
fireworks show

If you dye hair strawberry blonde that is already strawberry blonde, it WILL turn strawberry pink

Never drink grape juice in the car while wearing a white shirt ~ It may not be quite so white when you get out

If your Language Arts teacher tells you she will put down a 'zero' for your test grade if you talk after the test goes down, Believe her...She means it!

Never trust your best friend with scissors against your hair

Dropping a hair dryer in a sink full of water isn't exactly the smartest idea...

If has pot has boiled dry for a long time, it will have the ability to melt all over the floor

Your Mom will ground you for life if you let your little 2-year-old brother run all over the house free-reign with a permanent marker

If a MAJOR project is due on Monday, don't wait until Sunday to start on it... Your grade can */and probably will/* drop drastically...

Hair catches on fire easily... VERY easily

Never play with matches in your room... Your Mom will know that you have been inflaminating stuff when she finds your bedspread with a big hole in it

Don't sip REALLY hot coffee/cappucino while coming to a jolting stop... That does cause burn marks, you know

Never pierce your nose in the dark

If you're not sober,don't attempt to pierce anything

If it hurts, don't do it again

Don't go to a really scary haunted house if you have risks of heart attacks

Don't dance in the shower if there is a bar of soap in the bottom of the tub

Never trust someone who says he does all of his own piercings with doing any kind of piercing on you... Just look at him. Do any of his piercings look like they were done right?

Never start laughing hysterically in front of your crush just so they'll think you're having a great time... Something bad always seems to happen

If you love someone, let them know before it's too late

When you find the one you truly love, don't let them go... Not for anything

Never tease the sharks at aquariums... I'm sure you can guess why

Snapping turtles may look cute, but they're not very friendly

When trying to impersonate a gothic girl, make sure you use black lipstick and not a black eye pencil... The pencil is usually just a little harder to get off

If you sneak out, the front door is not a very good choice of a way to get
back into the house

*~*Make sure the alarm's not on when you go to sneak out of the house... That
is a surefire way to get caught*~*

Coffee has always been known as a good way to wake up because of the
caffeine... Trust me, that's not the only way it can wake you up. The second
way isn't quite so relaxing... (Not recommended)

Make sure you're always looking ahead when riding a go-kart, bicycle,
scooter, skateboard, etc... Some people aren't smart enough to get out of the way

If you're lighting candles, make sure the little match doesn't fall onto your carpet... The results can be quite fatal

Your mother will find out if you dye your hair blue

Sticking things up your nose or in your ears isn't the smartest idea in
the world

It's pretty much guaranteed that your Mom will find out if you take her
car and run away to New York

You can't set of a bunch of fireworks in the basement without getting
caught

Your Mom would probably prefer that you didn't 'accidentally' drive her
car into a gate