Mental Hospital's Answering Machine

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5.

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive it doesn't matter which button you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory press 9... If you have short-term memory press 9... If you have short-term memory press 9...

If you have low self-esteem please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up."