|
Things Not To Say (Gurls)
~*~To your parents~*~
Gee, thanks for letting me borrow the car-oh, um, by the way, you didn't really like the rear bumper that much, did you?
Mom, you can skip the birds and the bees crap and cut right to the good stuff. And do you have pictures?
Hey Dad, what kind of condoms do you recommend?
You know, I was just wondering: How long do you think it takes for an arrest to be wiped from your record?
I know you said that credit card was for emergencies only...does that include shoe-related emergencies?
Mom, do you think the kitchen is just gonna clean itself?
So, do you guys still do it?
~*~To a police officer~*~
I wasn't speeding. I'm just in a hurry.
Where do you keep the donuts? I'm starving.
Blue is so not your color.
This is such a waste of tax dollars. Let's not kid ourselves--I didn't, like, kill anybody.
Would this be a bad time to tell you that your zipper's down?
Sure, sure. Screw the little guy. If I were Britney Spears, you wouldn't have blinked an eye after I made an illegal U-turn on that guy's lawn.
Okay, hardass, why don't you just shoot me already?
~*~To your teacher~*~
Yes, I have a question. Is that your real hair?
Really, could you be any more boring?
Speaking of periodic tables, would you happen to have an extra tampon?
Oh, please. My dad is so much smarter than you.
Honestly, do you think we're ever gonna need to know this stuff in real life?
I don't like the term "cheat sheet." It implies I've done something wrong.
I was out really late last night, so if you don't mind, I'm just gonna rest my head on the desk.
I would have come to class yesterday, but I was afraid my snoring would disturb the learning process.
If you call on me again, I'm going to report you to the principal.
~*~To your best bud~*~
Great news--I liked your prom dress so much that I bought the same one.
Wow, your dad is such a hottie. Can I have his cell phone number?
When you said I shouldn't tell anybody your deep, dark secret, you just meant anybody you don't trust, right? Because I didn't tell anybody bad. Well, not too bad.
I'm glad you tried that diet before I did. Now I know that it dosen't work.
You know what I realized just now? Your head is the weirdest shape.
Here's that maxi pad I borrowed last week.
Damn, that zit on your chin's gotta hurt bad.
Your boyfriend asked me to check his body for skin cancer. I thought it was a little strange, him being nude and all, but you don't mind, right?
Your big sister is, like, the prettiest girl on the planet. You must really hate her.
~*~To your boyfriend~*~
I had this really steamy dream last night about (his best friend's name here.)
Susan's boyfriend is really hot, but, um, you're really a lot, lot sweeter.
No offense, but do you think you could be gay?
When we agreed that this was an "exclusive" relationship, we didn't sign anything, right?
After finals are over, what do you say we start talking about where we'll raise our family?
That's funny, I could have sworn your name was Brian.
If that chick looks at you again, I'm going to run over her with my car.
Gosh, you'd think that by my 12th boyfriend, I would have this "relationship" thing down pat.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I like to smell my pits for hours.
~*~To your waiter~*~
I'd like a poppy seed bagel with the poppy seeds on the side.
Is the party room available for an animal sacrifice?
Would you mind cutting up my food and letting me call you mommy?
You can stop kissing up to me. I'm not giving you a big tip.
Pee-yew! Either this food is completely rotten or you forgot to wear deodorant today!
I think I'll just have an ice water and a few packs of free crackers.
Could you repeat the specials again? I just love the sound of your voice.
All done. I'm ready for my flossing now.
|
