How To Annoy Your Date

~Guard your plate with fork and knife and act like youll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.
~Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower formation on your table.
~Wipe your nose on your dates sleeve. Twice.
~Make faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions.
~Repeat every third word you say say.
~Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date.
~Stare at your dates neck, and grind your teeth. Ask if hes a slayer.
~Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you dont know what hes talking about.
~Every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds.
~Order a bucket of lard.
~Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This is especially fun in fancy places with linen tablecloths.
~When ordering, inquire if the restaurant has any live food.
~Without asking, eat off your dates plate. Eat more of his food than he does.
~Drool.
~Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
~Scarf down everything on your plate in 30 seconds.
~Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go to the hostess and ask for another table. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him, What took you so long in the restroom?!
~Ask the people at the next table if you can taste their food.
~Beg your date to tattoo your name on his bicep.
~Order something nasty for your date. Act offended if he refuses to eat it.
~Ask for a seat away from the windows where you have a good view of all exits and can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
~Lick your plate. Offer to lick your dates.
~Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
~Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangementsanything that isnt bolted down.
~Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
~Order a baked potato as a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes and ask the waiter for the potato you never got. When the waiter returns, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
~Throughout the meal, speak in pig latin.
~Take a bathroom break. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on one of the chairs. Say they need airing out.
~Bring 20 or so candles with you. During the meal, arrange them in a circle around the table. Chant.
~Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
~Insist the waiter cuts your food into tiny pieces.
~Accuse your date of espionage.
~Dont use any verbs during the entire meal.
~Break wind loudly. Add commentary. Bow.
~Feed imaginary friends or dolls you brought with you.
~Shoot hoops with shrimp into his water glass.
~Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
~Belch. Score it according to the Olympic standard.
~After kissing him, explain youre doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.